Overlooking the Frail Years - The New Old Age Blog - NYTimes.com

By PAULA SPAN

“I have something I want to talk to you about,” Jonelle Patrick’s father said partway through a visit to her home in San Francisco. He put a box on the kitchen table.

Ms. Patrick wasn’t completely startled when he took out a manila envelope containing his updated will, trust documents, lists of lawyers and accountants — “lots of stuff having to do with disposition of his property.” Though her father was in good health at 75, she knew he had given some thought to his estate.

“Then he put all that aside and said, ‘Now here’s what I’d like for my memorial service,’” Ms. Patrick recalled. Out came photos and memorabilia to be displayed, a list of hymns to be sung, his written thoughts about a reception and a menu. He had assembled a sample obituary and the addresses of professional organizations and alumni publications that should receive it — “a level of detail I was really surprised by.” She assured him that of course she would implement his wishes.

It was only later Ms. Patrick realized that her father hadn’t said anything much about the time between his current vitality and his death. She didn’t know if he had ever signed a health care proxy or a power of attorney, documents that would allow someone to make decisions and take actions on his behalf if he became incapacitated. He had turned aside her questions about whether he would want to sell his house and move into assisted living if he were unable to care for himself at home.
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