Aging's Challenges Amplified for Gays and Lesbians - NYTimes.com

Image via WikipediaBy PAULA SPAN

David and his partner, Paschal, together for more than 20 years, married during the brief period that same-sex marriages were legal in California. They’re in their 60s, in decent health and financial shape. Yet thinking about their future makes David uneasy.

With an eldercare system (if you can call it a system) that depends on younger family members shouldering responsibility for older ones, perhaps any childless and aging couple would share his concerns. But gay men and lesbians face particular challenges, as David pointed out to me in a recent e-mail.

Let him count the ways. “The guys who are 65 and older now generally came of age, and came out, when doing so meant alienation from your family,” David wrote. “Many of the older gays I know are still estranged.” They don’t feel they can rely on younger relatives for help.

David and Paschal (citing privacy concerns, they asked that their full names not be used) expect to have to care for themselves — not because they’re estranged from family members, but because their nieces and nephews live far away. So David is considering other options.

If the couple wanted to retire to Paschal’s home state in the South, where senior housing communities would be much less expensive, “we’d have a hard time finding a life care facility that would accept us as a married couple,” David wrote. “And I doubt the other residents would be too welcoming if we did get in. And church-sponsored places — often a good value for straight folks — are largely not available for open gays.”

A number of researchers have found that, for those reasons, older gay men and lesbians sometimes conceal their sexual orientation when they enter nursing homes or assisted living facilities, effectively recloseting themselves at one of life’s most vulnerable passages.


At older ages, too, a number of the federal policies that protect married couples come into force, leaving gay men and lesbians, even those who marry in their own states, at a comparative financial disadvantage. Paschal’s Social Security benefits, for instance, are considerably greater than David’s, but David won’t be eligible for the spousal and survivor benefits that other widowers receive should something happen to Paschal.
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